Separation Anxiety

by Dr. Noel Swanson

Reader Carla asks:

"Whenever I try to leave the house, or whenever I try to take her to the nursery, my two year old little girl cries, screams, and clings on to me so hard that I can barely peel her off.  It is getting so bad that I am having to take her with me everywhere.  It breaks my heart when I do have to leave her.  What can I do, and what will happen as she grows older?"

Ah.  I do love these questions because they are such a classic example of the principles I talk about in the GOOD CHILD Guide: child manipulates mother by using the guilt tactic - and all that at just two years old!

Okay, so what do you do?

Separation anxiety is a normal part of a two year old's life.  At that age they are just beginning to branch out an explore the world at a distance away from their mom.

Watch some toddlers next time you are at a mom and tot's play session: Mom sits and chat's with other moms.  At first little Jenny holds onto mom and is reluctant to go play.
Eventually she gets brave and toddles off.  But as she does so, she anxiously looks back to check that mom is still there, within a safe distance. If anything troubling happens, she rushes back to the safety of mom's lap.

As play gets engrossing, Jenny's anxieties subside.  But even so, she keeps checking, every now and then, to see if mom is still there.

If mom gets up and moves, suddenly Jenny will come alive, and hurry over to her mother for security.

Over time, as Jenny grows in confidence, this reliance on mom will lessen.  That is the normal process.

In separation anxiety, the process has halted and gone in reverse.  For whatever reason, Jenny's anxiety at being separated from mom becomes overpowering.  Now, any attempt
by mom to disengage and leave Jenny, even if in familiar surroundings will heighten that anxiety, causing Jenny to cling even more tightly.

Mom, being a good, protective mom, does not like to see her daughter distressed.  So she comforts her.

Ah, but see what has happened?  Jenny now feels more secure. So her behavior (clinging to mom, crying, temper tantrum) has produced the desired result (security, mom didn't
leave).  So, that behavior (clinging) is rewarded, and is more likely to happen again next time.

If this is repeated a few more times, the pattern becomes established, and then entrenched:

              Mom tries to leave
              Child whines
              Mom feels guilty
              Mom stays and comforts
              Child feels better
              Mom feels better

A classic cycle of behavior modification, by the Child, of Mom's behaviors!

The longer this goes on, the more entrenched it becomes, until child and mom are completely inseparable, and life becomes a misery.

What then happens?  Well, over time, the child's power over the family increases - and the family are at high risk of having numerous behavioral problems and school refusals, as the child becomes ever more omnipotent.  Not a good picture!

So what is the solution?

There are, theoretically, two options, but frankly, the first one doesn't work in practice.

Here is the first option:

Mom never attempts to leave the child.  Like in the toddler's group, mom stays ever in the child's presence until, gradually, the child starts to venture out and explore by herself, gradually gaining confidence to be on her own.

The problem is, of course, that this is pretty impractical: What happens when mom wants to use the bathroom? Separation.  When she goes to bed?  Child comes with her -
leading, quite likely, to marital friction.

Each one of those separations will re-assert the original cycle, which is why this method, though theoretically viable, just does not work.

The other way is a bit more dramatic, and takes some courage and confidence by mother.

First, you have to understand how anxiety works: It peaks when a threat is new.  But it gets bored. If the threat does not turn into real danger, then we get used to it, and gradually anxiety decreases, eventually disappearing completely - unless something new happens to reawaken that fear.

So here is what you do: you take Jenny to the play group. You pre-warn the play group about her separation anxiety. You drop her off in caring, capable hands.  And you go.

Yes, she will cry, and scream, and through a temper tantrum - all designed to awaken that guilt of yours so that you will come back and console her.

But you don't.  Knowing that sometimes you have to hurt to heal, you go.

And, once you are gone, that anxiety WILL gradually wane.

Then, when you return, you make a fuss, show her that you love her, and remind her that you do come back when you say you will.

Then, next time you have to leave, you do the same again.

The key here is to be in charge.  You make the decision as to whether you go or not - not her. If you need to go, go - and she will have to get used to it (she will).  But if you waver, if her pleas and cries start to get to you, then the cycle will get worse rather than better.

As I explain in my book, the key here is to understand the dynamics of what is happening, and stick with it, with confidence, even when things, at first, seem to get worse before they get better.

Remember, if you are feeling guilty in a relationship, it probably means the other person is manipulating you!

                        --o0oo--

Dr. Noel Swanson, Consultant Child Psychiatrist and author of "The GOOD CHILD Guide", specializes in children's behavioural difficulties and writes a free newsletter for parents. He can be contacted through his website: www.good-child-guide.com This article is copyright, 2004.